It’s mothers day today so I am supposed to tell you what an angelic, amazing, wonderful mother I have who Is the best mummy in the world and is completely perfect in all ways. However, my mum ISN’T perfect – and it’s taken me a long time to realise that being perfect is completely unrealistic. The truth is that for quite a few years in my teenage years, me and my mum completely couldn’t stand each other. My mum constantly worked so that she could pay the bills and buy us nice things but being a teenager I never appreciated this – I just saw it as her not being there. On the other side of the coin, I was being horrifically bullied and was massively confused about my sexuality and tended to spend all my time on the computer desperately seeking friends online or locking myself in my room whilst listening to “emo” music and wallowing in my own self pity. Me and my mum would often be ships that passed in the night and we couldn’t really appreciate each other for who we were or what we did. I have two brothers who are 5 and 7 years older than me and I always felt lonely because they were both boys of a similar age and so naturally they got on together and I didn’t really have a sibling to play with. I used to tag on with my cousin and we were always together when we were little but we grew apart when we got older and went to school. So yeah, I was a lonely and quite resentful teenager and really didn’t give my mum the credit she deserved and she didn’t know how to handle this slightly broken, moody, alternative teenager. It really didn’t help matters that I was having poison dripped in my ear about my mum from somebody that I thought the complete world of. I was totally manipulated for years to think my mum was the enemy and thought negatively about me when it wasn’t the case at all. In fact, it turns out my poor mum would lie worrying at night about me and school due to my closed in behaviour.
Fast forwards a few years and me and my mum have a really great relationship. We spent a period of time not living together and she really missed me and I her, then I moved back in with no real warning but my mum didn’t even blink and made sure I had everything I needed and was really glad to see me home. Without the poisonous influence and because I was starting to be happy in life (I had just met Adam and he was a wonderful support) I began to really really open up to my mum and spend real quality time with her and actually get to know her as a person and our relationship just really took off. We lived together for a few months and then I moved out for a house closer to uni with Adam and I guess I broke her heart again which I was sad for. I wish I could of more time living there with her because it was one of my happiest times. When I moved into mine and Adam’s flat my mum was always coming over even though it was quite a drive from the family home and she would even flat/cat sit for us when we would go away. We got even closer – but nothing bonded us as much as when I got pregnant.
My mum was the first person I ever told I was pregnant – before I’d even been to the doctors. She told me previously she wasn’t going to be happy if she was a young Nana, but the way she cried “really” and blabbed tears of joy down the phone and the way she hugged me tight when she saw me said different. She always said she wasn’t going to be “one of those nana’s who sit cuddling babies and going daft over them” and she was wrong again. Seeing my mum with my baby brings me such a feeling of joy. My mum is daft as a brush with her and Eleanor laps it up – constantly grinning and laughing at her.
All through my pregnancy my mum was my rock. She took me for lunches, put tons of things aside for me, threw me a wonderful baby shower and even bought me my pram. I spoke to her on the phone every day and she was always there for me. I had a few times when I had to go into hospital and she was right there by my side. She would drop everything she was doing and make sure I was okay. During this time I started to realise what a mother is and what a mother does and realised what an incredible mother mine is. She is so kind, caring, generous and selfless. My mum is the heart of our family and the one person who gets everybody (and I mean everybody) involved. My mum won’t see anybody left out and every Christmas her little house is fit to burst with family, friends and anybody else who tags along. My nana was always like this growing up and really, my mum is the image of my nana – warm, inviting and just the absolute linchpin of the family. My mum is the type of mum who will drive miles out of her way to pick you up to take you to college because you’ve got no money to go and no food and you have an exam that day. I genuinely cherish the time I get to spend with my mum – we tend to hang out every weekend and we often stay over too or go out for some dinner together. My mum idolises my partner Adam and I love that they have such a strong and loving bond together. I also love her partner John and love seeing her with a man who clearly dotes on her and makes her so happy. It seemed like for such a long time we were in a stormy patch, but now we’ve come out the other side and now we have a rainbow.
My mum has moulded me and shaped me and has made me into the mum that I am. She has taught me to be relaxed, calm and to go at my own pace. She has taught me to enjoy the little things, to be tolerant and to always trust myself and my gut feeling. Between her and Adam, I have become a mum who feels confident and happy and I really enjoy motherhood. I love watching Eleanor grow and learn new things. She gives me confidence when we go out because I don’t feel like people are staring at me all the time. They interact with her and me in such a positive way that I feel boosted. My anxiety and depression is probably the best it has been in over ten years and I attribute that to Eleanor. She is such a wonderful, funny, loving baby (who actually sleeps!!) and I am so lucky and blessed to be her mum. I don’t blog as much as I did anymore, but that’s because I’d rather be sat singing to her whilst she grins at me than spending all my time online – but I’m such as she grows in independance I will be back. I don’t want to be one of those mums who are constantly looking at their phone/laptop – she deserves my attention and I want to give it to her.
When Adam asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day I told him I would like a relaxing day, a nice card with a lovely message and a Balloon…and that is what I got!
Adam also remembered that I’ve ALWAYS wanted a giant cookie and so baked me a white chocolate and almond one decorated with my favourite chocolates. I’m so lucky to have such a wonderful partner – he really is my world.
My wee family is perfect and we have such a great support system. We’re lucky that Adam has such a fantastic mum and grandma too who are both always there for us when we need them.
My little girl is getting bigger by the day and I can’t wait to make memories with her. My life is full of happy memories with my mum and I will end this blog post with some of my biggest/happiest memories with my mum.
- Tidying the house on a saturday whilst dancing and singing around the living room to Celine Dion/M People/Lighthouse Family.
- Using the tongs on those two little wisps of hair in front of my ears.
- Taking me for my first night out.
- Listening to motown until like 4 o’clock EVERY christmas/new year!
- Taking me to gay pride, and actually being proud of me for being queer.
- Getting me very drunk at gay pride, buying me a flag and taking me home for a parmo.
- Pride again – when we went on the most horrendous ride ever and you squashed me haha!
- Butlins – pushing me back on those red trolleys and stealing the tiny jars of jam.
- Generally teaching me it’s okay to be myself, to love myself and to be tolerant of others.
I love you mum. Thanks for all the sacrifices you’ve made to give me all that you have. You’re amazing
Your little girl xx